A New Year

On the first day of the new year I cried several times.  I've been stressed on a number of levels and the new year, though not off to an altogether terrible start, has reminded me of the decisions I have to make.

And though I usually scoff at the New Year, with all its superstitions and unrealistic resolutions, it does make one think.

What are my resolutions?  I don't particularly like the idea of them.  Everyone knows they're broken by January 2nd.  I don't want to make something that's not planning on lasting.  Instead I'm always seeking God.  I'm always looking for ways to praise him and glorify His name.

But frankly, I haven't done well on that.  And the new year brings such things up when you're asked what your resolutions are.  I've been putting off decisions that need to be made.  I've been putting off necessary planning and not putting 100% effort into my schooling.  I've been lagging behind in the things I know I should be working diligently on, because I don't want to go forward.  I want to stay cosy at home, and not grow up.  I have been infected with a Peter Pan bug, and it's difficult to face the reality of school, ballet verses work, school, friends, church problems, and I have not been casting my cares on Christ. 

I have a verse on a post-it stuck to my computer.  It's Phil 4: 4-7
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Every time I read this, it has new meaning to it.  I've known it for a long time, but my deeds show otherwise.  I'm carrying the weight of my stress on my own shoulders, putting off the inevitable, and not casting my cares on Christ.

So Resolutions?  I'm not going to say that I'm going to work on school more diligently, or blog more frequently, or read more, or any of that.
I'm simply renewing.  Reminding myself to give my cares and worries and wants to Jesus.  To let Him change me from the inside first.  I want to be a light for him, not a blubbering mess, crying about how I don't know what to do.  

I still feel stressed, and I still don't really want to grow up.  I still see those deadlines on the horizon.
But Jesus sees them too.  Not only has He seen them, He put them there.  And that, is a comforting thought.  God has got a plan for me, and not only is He here for me, a have some very loving parents too.   

So I've wiped away my tears, and hopefully they'll stay away.  I'm going to keep God at the front of my mind, not let Him get pushed behind the stresses I feel looming above me.

And, knowing that this isn't a resolution but a reminder, a renewing, it'll last longer than January 2nd, right? 

Here's to living, loving, learning, and laughing in 2012. 

Lillian ♥