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| photo creds to the wonderful Josie Hope. |
I am so scared. I am scared to leave. I am scared to stay. I'm scared to reach for the stars if it means losing those closer to home. I'm scared to follow what I want. I'm scared that the choices I make will either be too safe or too distant. Or just plain wrong.
And yes, I'm seventeen, and yes, I'm just making choices about college, but really, life. And everything seems so much larger than it has to be, I'm sure. but just for one moment I wish that I could have two lives, or three so that no choice I made could be one that ruined my life, because I could have three alternate endings, like the movie Clue, which I love. And those three alternate endings would get the badguys and I would have the people I loved still and exploration of the world, and security of heart. But life isn't that easy. And I'm just stuck at home failing maths tests and finding insecurity in the way I've given up on certain portions of my schoolwork. And how I feel sick a lot. And how sometimes I just don't want to go to ballet at all.
But in order to even make any choices that could make or potentially screw up my life, I have to do these ordinary things, and thrive in them and put forth effort and not be scared to live. Or scared to fail. But it's hard. And I cant do it alone.
And gosh dangit I'm too emotional for practically no important reason and so I might sob a little bit tonight but it'll be okay.
But I think that I feel like it is important to write these things down so that I don't forget what it feels like. Because I know clarity will come. And I know Jesus is watching out for me, and I know that I need to submit myself to Him, and I think that I very much need to have these words as proof for future. To look back on myself, and hopefully laugh at my silly little ways and at how scared I was in that moment, and then be filled with love for our creator, because of how amazing He is, and how amazing His ways are.
And I know that I believe that things will work out. It's just that I'm having difficulty believing it at this moment, late at night. But I know that clarity will come and that I want to be able to not forget the times when I am upset, so as to remember the times when God has been amazing. So I want to remember this moment, and remember past moments when God has loved me and taught me.
And thats what I'm thinking right now.
lillian rachel.
And yes, I'm seventeen, and yes, I'm just making choices about college, but really, life. And everything seems so much larger than it has to be, I'm sure. but just for one moment I wish that I could have two lives, or three so that no choice I made could be one that ruined my life, because I could have three alternate endings, like the movie Clue, which I love. And those three alternate endings would get the badguys and I would have the people I loved still and exploration of the world, and security of heart. But life isn't that easy. And I'm just stuck at home failing maths tests and finding insecurity in the way I've given up on certain portions of my schoolwork. And how I feel sick a lot. And how sometimes I just don't want to go to ballet at all.
But in order to even make any choices that could make or potentially screw up my life, I have to do these ordinary things, and thrive in them and put forth effort and not be scared to live. Or scared to fail. But it's hard. And I cant do it alone.
And gosh dangit I'm too emotional for practically no important reason and so I might sob a little bit tonight but it'll be okay.
But I think that I feel like it is important to write these things down so that I don't forget what it feels like. Because I know clarity will come. And I know Jesus is watching out for me, and I know that I need to submit myself to Him, and I think that I very much need to have these words as proof for future. To look back on myself, and hopefully laugh at my silly little ways and at how scared I was in that moment, and then be filled with love for our creator, because of how amazing He is, and how amazing His ways are.
And I know that I believe that things will work out. It's just that I'm having difficulty believing it at this moment, late at night. But I know that clarity will come and that I want to be able to not forget the times when I am upset, so as to remember the times when God has been amazing. So I want to remember this moment, and remember past moments when God has loved me and taught me.
And thats what I'm thinking right now.
lillian rachel.
"All things work together for the good to them that love God and are called according to his purpose." Just pray, and follow your heart. I know He has incredible things worked out in your life, and you'll clearly know the way when the time is right. Don't fret, love, it will come. Don't be afraid <3
ReplyDeleteAnd gosh, you are so darn pretty. Seriously.
Deletethis is so relevant right now. I needed to read this so much.
ReplyDeletealso, you are stunning. these are some dang good photos.
Lillian, there are times in our lives where the world just seems too big, and we feel too small. But the only thing we have to remember in order to continue moving forward, is that Jesus is bigger than the world and he is the one supporting and guiding us forward. So, he won't let us fall. {and you really are quite beautiful}
ReplyDeletevery well-written, and it definitely struck home for me. i'll be praying that you find peace and clarity soon. xo
ReplyDeleteWhat ever you do, God is right there be-side you and i think all of us are with you and right beside you!
ReplyDeletexoxo
-Jemima
i am feeling the same way - so this was very encouraging. praying that you find peace! oh, and your outfit? ah-dore-ah-ble. like, ican'teven. and goodness you are gorgeous.
ReplyDeletethis resonates so much with where I'm at right now. thank you for writing it. also, could you be any more beautiful? I love the feel of these pictures.
ReplyDeletexo.
These photos, especially the 6th, are brilliant. And so are your words.
ReplyDeleteGod will direct your steps if you let Him! Katie said it perfectly. He has your future planned out already; just give it to Him.
ReplyDeleteBTW, you are just too pretty. Really. xo
I'm in the exact, exact same situation. Over the summer I would just feel overwhelmed by it all and literally just...sleep. :P Budding catatonic here. But yes. For all of my worries about choices and crap, I've been sort of learning to just live in the moment and do what comes next, because that's all Jesus asks of me and all I *coughshouldcough* be asking of myself. Prayers for both of us? :) You and your pictures are gorgeous, btw.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your encouragement, knowing that we are frequently in the same boat is good, right? In the midst of it all I really hope that we can all battle onward and truly give our cares to God. I'm struggling, but I think struggling is important, my prayer is that we can all be purposeful, and not apathetic in our search for our futures. your comments mean a lot to me.
ReplyDelete